You can't take away my strength
Fix these broken things
There's nothing left to hide
Live free or let me die
And so goes the chorus of my latest musical obsession. It's a raw, powerful rhythm that makes you want to jump up and down, punch through metal, and take on an army. All at the same time.
These words inspire me. Because now, my strength can no longer be stolen from me. I have nothing to hide, and I'm not afraid to die. This new power is not my own, nor is this life mine to live. I have no fear, only a future.
You can't kill someone who's already dead.
The confusion and pain that haunted me has disappeared like the night, fleeing before the rising sun. New purpose has flooded in, sunlight warming the inner recesses of my soul.
Dear Reader
I'd expect you're somewhat befuddled. My apologies. Evidently this new clarity is hampering my manners. Please, allow me to explain. And so we shall journey back to the troubled young man, as he lay in a painful, restless slumber...
I awoke with a start, a strangled scream tearing itself from my throat. My heart thudding like a hammer, I sat up and looked about. The wasted landscape I had been trapped in so long was gone! Instead, white mist swirled about me, caressing my face with a blessed cool. Smiling, I closed my eyes, simply enjoying this alien feeling some might call happiness.
Soon, I felt a presence approaching through the fog. Every muscle in my body tensed, and I leaped to my feet. Sure enough, someone stood there.
I couldn't see it's face for some reason. I guess it was obscured by the mist? I still don't remember. Or maybe... It just didn't matter. Anyway, I could tell it was human, and female at that. Curious, I lowered my fists a fraction. "Hello?" I called, trying not to sound afraid.
She raised a hand in greeting, and began to speak. I listened, and it didn't take long for me to realize who she was. She wasn't a person: she was an idea! She was everything I'd been trying so desperately to hold onto, all that I simply could not - would not! - let go of.
A bubble of elation floated up into my chest and burst just as quickly. Try as I might, I simply couldn't make myself feel... Happy. And that scared me.
But as she continued talking, something else began to peek up from my heart. Something so foreign, she had finished talking by the time
I'd figured it out. Something that took me completely by surprise. Something that I never would've associated with the being in front of me.
It was peace. But not just any peace. It was the peace that comes from total surrender to your circumstances. An abandonment, a surrender to that which you've always fought against. It wasn't contentment, but an absence of conflict.
For an instant, I was terrified. But then I kept listening, and gradually my arms began to lower. My jaw unclenched, and my shoulders slacked. Deep in my stomach, a furious knot of tension began to unwind.
As her sweet voice soothed the aches of my soul, I noticed something I hadn't before. A thin line of black trailed from her neck, down her gown, and across the floor, where it connected to my still-tightened fists.
She stopped speaking as I stared in horror at this thing that was undoubtedly a chain. I looked back up at her, apologies about to burst from my mouth. How could I have done this?! I had trapped us both in this terrible prison!
But before I could utter a word, her cool finger pressed against my lips and shut them tight. Then she began to tell me about the chain, and the peace blossoming in my chest grew.
I had put it there, a very long time ago. She had accepted this bond of trust and love willingly, and we had been happy, each lost in the joy of the other's company.
But as the weeks grew into months, the distance between us increased. Soon there came a time when a change was called for. And I simply couldn't see!! Couldn't tell that it was time to let go, to move on. To release out old bonds, making way for stronger, purer ties.
When she had finished, tears poured silently down my face. The peace had spread from my chest down and out to the rest of me. I could feel the unearthly force soothing my tense muscles, relaxing my frantic mind.
She smiled at me, a kind smile full of forgiveness. And after a moment, I wiped away my tears and smiled back.
I knew what I had to do.
Looking down, I smiled sadly at my fist. It was still clenched tightly around the chain, untouched by the brightening glow of peace in my mind. But that changed as I forced my frozen, resisting digits to move. Gradually, they opened, the links of the chain slipping through my cold fingers. Each link felt as if it weighed a thousand pounds, each hitting the floor with all the authority of an anchor. But with every resounding crash, the next link was a little lighter, slipping faster and faster across my warming skin.
When the final piece dropped to the floor, the entire chain shattered into razor sharp shards of night. I caught a glimpse of her face, and she was smiling. Then the mist began to swirl, and everything around me disappeared.
But I wasn't scared this time. Instead, as I felt myself being swept away, I just smiled. Because all I felt, for the first, blessed time... Was peace.
~
Sir Walter Joshua Scott
